nothing much to say.
its raining so much and im getting sick of it. but yea, its global warming. . .
Happy 2009.
May 2009 bring you all good hope, wealth, and health.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
2008 closure [[part ii of ii]]
just hours left of 2008...
nothing much to say.
its raining so much and im getting sick of it. but yea, its global warming. . .
nothing much to say.
its raining so much and im getting sick of it. but yea, its global warming. . .
Sunday, December 28, 2008
2008 closure [[part i of ii]]
reflecting back, i remember reading the chinese zodiac readings for this year for myself.
i skimmed it thru but i stumbled upon one sentence "sufferings in finance". at first, i let it go, but towards the end of summer, i realized....that ive been having financial problems - more like my bad uncontrolled spending habits.
well anyways, i just hope - from the deepest point of my heart - that next year will be better financially, emotionally, physically, and academic wise.
i dont really follow new years resolutions because i end up forgetting them or just compromising them somehow at some point....
but this is something i'd like to achieve this coming year. "driving".
for the longest time, driving's been my biggest dream and of course, driving my own sweet dream car without having to worry about gas prices hahaha.
i know ive grown to be highly materialistic (in comparison to my childhood days back in the Philippines/Japan). thats because im more exposed to a very materialistic society - the US. living in the US is like a string attached to the bills thats attached to your neck - if u keep the bills near you, you can still breathe. but once u buy something and hand that bill over to whoever, it goes away and you choke yourself.
my analogies are never good - but it makes sense to me....
anyways.
so the past few days after my last departure to the philippines, ive been spending an okay amount of time just wandering around and trying to take pictures of what is there and what was there.
to me, the philippines is a very relaxing place even if the volcano erupts or an earthquake hits the cities.. still a relaxing place where i know i can grow, learn and achieve.
almost 2 decades, i spent my first 2 decades of my life living in the Philippines, away from my native home. a third culture kid, yes. and i loved it. gave lots of tough times to my parents, and im thankful for their support in every possible way. and now, i dont dare to let them down anymore.
turning 20 in the US wasnt a great experience and having to hear that my family's moving out from Manila added pressure and stress on me that it affected my school work - sounds like an excuse, but this is me being honest.
a lot of people may be thinking either: so what if you move out; its time for a change; who cares, you're a grown up now; or even too bad.
but to me, letting go of something ive been investing so much of myself is not easy. that applies to a rugged up doll, a death of a loving pet, fighting over many small things with a best friend....
spending so much time and suddenly having to part with it is .... cruel.
but then again, its something i need to accept and not reject.
my parents gave me a chance to stay here to grow and learn and of course to enjoy and i used it all up. my options are limited if not none. i plan to live my life to the fullest before i leave manila for good.
even if i do come back here in the future, things will be different. my houses will be gone, tall sky scrapers blocking the view of the sky, heavier traffic....i duno.
sigh
my counsellor told me that im not adaptable to change. and i agree. i am not. ive been running on a track all this while and suddenly, i feel derailed. i cant run without tracks. what now?
just crash and burn? - if thats an option, i'd really take it.
so back to my point, 2008 is ending in few days.
what can i do within the last few days?
i really should start packing and cleaning out my things from my room and the house....
and meet as many people as i can who i wont be seeing in New England
and stay sane for many other reasons.
2008 was an adventure for me - in both good and bad ways.
i just have to try to make it end on a good note so i wont have turning-backs.
i skimmed it thru but i stumbled upon one sentence "sufferings in finance". at first, i let it go, but towards the end of summer, i realized....that ive been having financial problems - more like my bad uncontrolled spending habits.
well anyways, i just hope - from the deepest point of my heart - that next year will be better financially, emotionally, physically, and academic wise.
i dont really follow new years resolutions because i end up forgetting them or just compromising them somehow at some point....
but this is something i'd like to achieve this coming year. "driving".
for the longest time, driving's been my biggest dream and of course, driving my own sweet dream car without having to worry about gas prices hahaha.
i know ive grown to be highly materialistic (in comparison to my childhood days back in the Philippines/Japan). thats because im more exposed to a very materialistic society - the US. living in the US is like a string attached to the bills thats attached to your neck - if u keep the bills near you, you can still breathe. but once u buy something and hand that bill over to whoever, it goes away and you choke yourself.
my analogies are never good - but it makes sense to me....
anyways.
so the past few days after my last departure to the philippines, ive been spending an okay amount of time just wandering around and trying to take pictures of what is there and what was there.
to me, the philippines is a very relaxing place even if the volcano erupts or an earthquake hits the cities.. still a relaxing place where i know i can grow, learn and achieve.
almost 2 decades, i spent my first 2 decades of my life living in the Philippines, away from my native home. a third culture kid, yes. and i loved it. gave lots of tough times to my parents, and im thankful for their support in every possible way. and now, i dont dare to let them down anymore.
turning 20 in the US wasnt a great experience and having to hear that my family's moving out from Manila added pressure and stress on me that it affected my school work - sounds like an excuse, but this is me being honest.
a lot of people may be thinking either: so what if you move out; its time for a change; who cares, you're a grown up now; or even too bad.
but to me, letting go of something ive been investing so much of myself is not easy. that applies to a rugged up doll, a death of a loving pet, fighting over many small things with a best friend....
spending so much time and suddenly having to part with it is .... cruel.
but then again, its something i need to accept and not reject.
my parents gave me a chance to stay here to grow and learn and of course to enjoy and i used it all up. my options are limited if not none. i plan to live my life to the fullest before i leave manila for good.
even if i do come back here in the future, things will be different. my houses will be gone, tall sky scrapers blocking the view of the sky, heavier traffic....i duno.
sigh
my counsellor told me that im not adaptable to change. and i agree. i am not. ive been running on a track all this while and suddenly, i feel derailed. i cant run without tracks. what now?
just crash and burn? - if thats an option, i'd really take it.
so back to my point, 2008 is ending in few days.
what can i do within the last few days?
i really should start packing and cleaning out my things from my room and the house....
and meet as many people as i can who i wont be seeing in New England
and stay sane for many other reasons.
2008 was an adventure for me - in both good and bad ways.
i just have to try to make it end on a good note so i wont have turning-backs.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
the last few days...
school's out and im so stressed from being bored - but i love this feeling somewhat
but then weird things' been going on.... like i eat so much and never feel full. i cant seem to enjoy anything. i cant get enough sleep / rest
moreover, im really stressed and feeling lonely since all my friends have left so early for home.
so now im stuck in the snow, feeling very ..... empty. somewhat feel derailed.
ive been watching dramas and whatnot, but i cant seem to fully enjoy them all.
hmm.
and now that im moving out from the philippines, im debating whether i should bring one suitcase (thats pretty big) or two huge ones....
i mean afterall, im moving out so i thought it would be good to bring two so my parents wont have to move much of my stuff (like clothes esp) back to japan...
but blah, i honestly dont know, so im waiting for my brother to come online. so i can consult with him.
i miss friends...i really do. i miss civilization.... i feel physically lonley and emotionally empty.
this semester's been really rough on me.
financial issues, family issues, school issues.
i honestly dont know.
i dont know anymore.
i feel ill too, from eating too much junk food.
ugh.
but im broke and lazy to go outside to the market to get some stuff thats nutritious...
sigh-
i hate winter. i hope, and i really mean it - that next year will be much better for me.
2008 is coming to an end, and what have i acheived?
nothing.
great.
i just wanna go home, but like always, im dreading the long flights back...
but then weird things' been going on.... like i eat so much and never feel full. i cant seem to enjoy anything. i cant get enough sleep / rest
moreover, im really stressed and feeling lonely since all my friends have left so early for home.
so now im stuck in the snow, feeling very ..... empty. somewhat feel derailed.
ive been watching dramas and whatnot, but i cant seem to fully enjoy them all.
hmm.
and now that im moving out from the philippines, im debating whether i should bring one suitcase (thats pretty big) or two huge ones....
i mean afterall, im moving out so i thought it would be good to bring two so my parents wont have to move much of my stuff (like clothes esp) back to japan...
but blah, i honestly dont know, so im waiting for my brother to come online. so i can consult with him.
i miss friends...i really do. i miss civilization.... i feel physically lonley and emotionally empty.
this semester's been really rough on me.
financial issues, family issues, school issues.
i honestly dont know.
i dont know anymore.
i feel ill too, from eating too much junk food.
ugh.
but im broke and lazy to go outside to the market to get some stuff thats nutritious...
sigh-
i hate winter. i hope, and i really mean it - that next year will be much better for me.
2008 is coming to an end, and what have i acheived?
nothing.
great.
i just wanna go home, but like always, im dreading the long flights back...
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
30%, like always
i feel like ive been treated like shit lately by my best friend.
treated bad to a point that i end up crying behind his back, on the bed about to sleep, under the shower, or just in my room.
i hate how im so weak now. people think that im strong, but really, im not.
im already splintered and bleeding nonstop that i think i can die from the lack of blood.
i wont be surprised.
people ive talked to might have gotten the impression of a "drama queen" from my ventings. but what i talked to them about is the pure reflection of what's been going on my life.
so today was friday, my lab got cancelled because we get a whole amount of hwk. so anyways, we were planning to go to Natick Mall (29ish miles away from worcester). i was so excited, like always. but the second fone call turned me down. of course this was coming, i saw it coming, but why didnt i notice it before?
see, im just so stupid.
whatever. i dont want to make judgements for my own emotions. its true ive been caught up with work but that doesnt interfer with outside-school stuff.
watever.
you'll see, how destructive i can be. just wait and see.
i already packed my shit from his place. i can be like blair wardolf from gossip girl. i can be a bitch. i can make people humiliate in public. i can burn their prides down within seconds.
life should revolve around myself (and a little of school).
just wait and see bitches out there.
then i ask myself, why am i wasting time burning their prides down etc. then i answer, thats because its fun to watch them go down to where they really belong.
treated bad to a point that i end up crying behind his back, on the bed about to sleep, under the shower, or just in my room.
i hate how im so weak now. people think that im strong, but really, im not.
im already splintered and bleeding nonstop that i think i can die from the lack of blood.
i wont be surprised.
people ive talked to might have gotten the impression of a "drama queen" from my ventings. but what i talked to them about is the pure reflection of what's been going on my life.
so today was friday, my lab got cancelled because we get a whole amount of hwk. so anyways, we were planning to go to Natick Mall (29ish miles away from worcester). i was so excited, like always. but the second fone call turned me down. of course this was coming, i saw it coming, but why didnt i notice it before?
see, im just so stupid.
whatever. i dont want to make judgements for my own emotions. its true ive been caught up with work but that doesnt interfer with outside-school stuff.
watever.
you'll see, how destructive i can be. just wait and see.
i already packed my shit from his place. i can be like blair wardolf from gossip girl. i can be a bitch. i can make people humiliate in public. i can burn their prides down within seconds.
life should revolve around myself (and a little of school).
just wait and see bitches out there.
then i ask myself, why am i wasting time burning their prides down etc. then i answer, thats because its fun to watch them go down to where they really belong.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
i am officially broke.
yes, you heard that. ive never been this broke before and my parents wont give me money since they said its not right to keep giving money.
so i "forgot" to save.
thats not true, throughout october, my intentions were on saving and nothing but saving.
i only have so little that makes me scared - will i have enough money to make it thru the rest of the semester?
i mean technically speaking, semester's ending soon but knowing me, i'd go nuts.
so i asked my department when im getting paid - they said soon enough. but their soon enough takes forever.
even if i do a foreign currency exchange, still wont have enough to last me long.
grr.
if only people actually pay me back on time. but still, the money i will get from the paybacks wont be enough.
shit.
realy, im broke, im broke and im broke.
good ways to earn money for an international student? like i wanna earn money like a finger snap!
><
yes, you heard that. ive never been this broke before and my parents wont give me money since they said its not right to keep giving money.
so i "forgot" to save.
thats not true, throughout october, my intentions were on saving and nothing but saving.
i only have so little that makes me scared - will i have enough money to make it thru the rest of the semester?
i mean technically speaking, semester's ending soon but knowing me, i'd go nuts.
so i asked my department when im getting paid - they said soon enough. but their soon enough takes forever.
even if i do a foreign currency exchange, still wont have enough to last me long.
grr.
if only people actually pay me back on time. but still, the money i will get from the paybacks wont be enough.
shit.
realy, im broke, im broke and im broke.
good ways to earn money for an international student? like i wanna earn money like a finger snap!
><
Thursday, November 13, 2008
win-win?
hello, so like always, I write at odd hours of the day and of the semester, but its okay.
its so weird how i had adapted to the messed up sleeping schedule. it's so messed up that on Tuesday night, I slept from 10:30pm till 9:30am and that was like, really, WOW for me. really - i've been so sleep deprieved lately and because of this 11hr sleep, I couldnt sleep on Wednesday night. well despite the fact that i had homework and i procrastinated, i still didnt feeldrowsy or sleepy at all.
funny
well anyways its 8am in New England and wat am i doing? I'm waiting for my 9am class. today, I have 6hours of classes in one shot, wow. greatness.
it's so sad too, since i have so many things to do.
oh, last week, i was very sick to point where i lost my voice for 5 days. I'm sure some people were very happy about that - since they didnt have to hear me talk my way through or scream at them. but that was fun. my best friend took really good care of me and i'm really grateful. although im feeling really guilty that i might have made him sick :( this is what i hate about living together in a house, a dorm, or an apartment unit. roommates always get sick before or after you.
sucks huh?
oh, good news. well for me at least. well its actually both good and bad.
so let me start with the bad news- the two summer courses i took during the summer (08; the two sociology courses) couldn't be counted towards my minor which, [shift gears to the good news] i declared just yesterday. my faculty who signed my release paper was an old man, Dr. Ross. he's kinda sketchy looking but i'm sure he's nice. he's on sabbatical leave right now but good thing I found him in his office.
so yea that's that. next semester's going to be INTENSE like a bi-ch. 1 geo course with my currently favorite geo professor, and 3 sociology courses. hopefully i can find another course to take. but im sure time doesnt allow so im guessing not.
but at some point soon, i wanna take a 5th course which i wasnt able to take this semester because of stupid landscape ecology.
next semester, my mondays and wednesdays will be off, which is SO nice :D thursdays, i only have one 3hr long class and tuesdays and fridays, i have class from 12noon till about 7pm. how wondeorful. blah!
oh well. i should go get coffee before i pass out during class!
<3>
its so weird how i had adapted to the messed up sleeping schedule. it's so messed up that on Tuesday night, I slept from 10:30pm till 9:30am and that was like, really, WOW for me. really - i've been so sleep deprieved lately and because of this 11hr sleep, I couldnt sleep on Wednesday night. well despite the fact that i had homework and i procrastinated, i still didnt feeldrowsy or sleepy at all.
funny
well anyways its 8am in New England and wat am i doing? I'm waiting for my 9am class. today, I have 6hours of classes in one shot, wow. greatness.
it's so sad too, since i have so many things to do.
oh, last week, i was very sick to point where i lost my voice for 5 days. I'm sure some people were very happy about that - since they didnt have to hear me talk my way through or scream at them. but that was fun. my best friend took really good care of me and i'm really grateful. although im feeling really guilty that i might have made him sick :( this is what i hate about living together in a house, a dorm, or an apartment unit. roommates always get sick before or after you.
sucks huh?
oh, good news. well for me at least. well its actually both good and bad.
so let me start with the bad news- the two summer courses i took during the summer (08; the two sociology courses) couldn't be counted towards my minor which, [shift gears to the good news] i declared just yesterday. my faculty who signed my release paper was an old man, Dr. Ross. he's kinda sketchy looking but i'm sure he's nice. he's on sabbatical leave right now but good thing I found him in his office.
so yea that's that. next semester's going to be INTENSE like a bi-ch. 1 geo course with my currently favorite geo professor, and 3 sociology courses. hopefully i can find another course to take. but im sure time doesnt allow so im guessing not.
but at some point soon, i wanna take a 5th course which i wasnt able to take this semester because of stupid landscape ecology.
next semester, my mondays and wednesdays will be off, which is SO nice :D thursdays, i only have one 3hr long class and tuesdays and fridays, i have class from 12noon till about 7pm. how wondeorful. blah!
oh well. i should go get coffee before i pass out during class!
<3>
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