why?

i am upset. very
why does everyone say bad about my best friend?

i am aware that ever since i graduated from high school, my appearance in public has gone downhill because ive been dissing and cussing at everything i see. but its not coz of my best friend.

you can diss me but dont get my best friend involved. and dont talk bad about someone YOU dont know. if you dont know him/her, just keep your mouth SHUT.
my best friends have nothing to do with my self-degrading manners

blame ME and not them. im not a fucking follower - i do things my way.

no word can explain or define how i feel right now - happy, mad, worried, skeptical, hectic, tired, nostalgic, etc. in fact, i dont know myself.


im still mad about the whole flatmate incident and i lost trust, respect and every thing that needs to be there - its just gone. and i feel mentally unsafe and unsecure living there alone with 2 people i am hating right now and another person who ive known since elementary.
ive been advised to move out by friends and my best friend told me that he's welcoming me all the time - makes me wanna cry because i feel like i have a place somewhere other than home - this means so much to me, that i almost cried (literally).

oh, and im really happy - academic wise - i am one credit short since freshman first semester and im considered as a sophomore second semester still. but i took 2 summer courses so im one credit ahead of people (and im a junior first sem). and i talked to my former FA and he's been really kind and giving me thorough guidance via email.
im planning to take a 5th course - where only selected people can take - and i even talked to the Dean of College and he siad he'll approve me because ive been doing good (grade wise). so im really happy about that.
i dropped intermediate japanese to take another sociology course (and ive decided to minor in sociology). Although i still have like 5 more courses to take for geography, including capstone (research), i thought sociology can be a good backup (even though im minoring).
for a sociology minor, i need to take 3 mandatory courses (which im planning to take 2 out of the 3 this fall) and 3 200+ level courses (I already took one 200 level course during the summer and I signed in for the second one for the fall). In total, im taking 3 sociology courses (2 introductory and 1 specialization/skills course) and 2 geography courses. I know it will be intense but I dont want to waste money taking japanese classes when I can get it for free from mom.

now that i think about it, im starting to worry about geography - will i have enough time to finish my geo? :s

here is my plan. lol.
fall 08 - intro to sociology, classical sociological theory, population environment development, urban ecology, and utopian vision

spring 09 - class status power, vector GIS+lab, who fears what and why, (maybe a capstone for geo), sociology of the environment

by spring 09, i will finish my minor.
and hopefully by fall 09, i will finish my geo.

im aiming to finish a semester early, but i need to take summer courses again to get enough credits for graduation ( i need 32::: i need to take 32 courses for graduation) - so far i only have... 15 +2 (summer) so 17.

i shouldnt rush, but somewhere in my head, i feel like im in the need to..... but at the same time, i need to concentrate on my grades. if i get good grades this fall, i can petition for a 5th course again. then if i do well (touch wood), i want to apply for the 5th year for masters. if i really like sociology, i want to get a masters in sociology or if not, i'll take GIS.

im so excited.


----

going back to housing.
i need to start looking for houses.
the thought of living in the same floor as those two makes me go crazy inside and out. its a suicidal act and i dnt like it.

今マジでキレている
なぜなら同居人二人（韓国人）が小さいことに口を挟むから
って言うか、私の部屋に今住んでいる親友の事で色々揉めているの。

its not like my 親友 is giving them problem - and plus, one of the 同居人isnt even there. she's at home　in korea . ムカつく　
何かあれば私に直接言ってよ。psh, 度胸が無いから出来なんだろうね、かわいそう
でも日曜の夜に家族で久しぶりに晩ご飯を食べようとしている時に電話が掛かってきたら食べる気分どっかいっちゃうじゃん
本当にマナー知らずってか無理か
As if she knows what the hell is going on - she only knows one side of the story. this is just like the replay of what happened last october. wtf. is this what you call revenge? i'll show you revenge. 車椅子生活にしてやる。ナメンじゃねーぞボケ

韓国人を批判しているわけではない、でも私が今一緒に同居している人たちはマジムカつきます

たま～に　すずらんやトリカブトの花を探して毒殺したいくらいです。ってかim kinda very capable of doing it
っで今私の親友にそれを伝えたら「問題ない」っと言われた。。。が、私はfeeling guilty at all times　だって、彼は私の部屋、トイレ、たまーに台所を使うだけでほとんどは私の部屋に閉じこもっています。
なのにナゼ？
ナゼ　彼が批判されないといけないの?それがサッパリ分からない。

迷惑をかけている訳でもないのに。ウザイ人間はマジこりごりです。

makes me think whether i should move out. 母には「もう耐えられない」っと言った。I was surprised that she isn't going against me living off campus like she usually would
i felt bad when i shut her up in front of the chefs in the restaurant　－本当にヒドイ事をした。。。本当に反省をしています（正座）

when i was talking to the two flatmates, I felt so powerless, but somewhere inside, i felt like i would talk them through, but nicely, the wave caught my feet and swallowed inside the roaring sea where poseidon sleeps.

blah. まだちょっとキレている。
ここに書いているとちょっと気が治まりますでも親友が心配です。本当に心配です。