reflecting back, i remember reading the chinese zodiac readings for this year for myself. i skimmed it thru but i stumbled upon one sentence "sufferings in finance". at first, i let it go, but towards the end of summer, i realized....that ive been having financial problems - more like my bad uncontrolled spending habits.
well anyways, i just hope - from the deepest point of my heart - that next year will be better financially, emotionally, physically, and academic wise. i dont really follow new years resolutions because i end up forgetting them or just compromising them somehow at some point.... but this is something i'd like to achieve this coming year. "driving". for the longest time, driving's been my biggest dream and of course, driving my own sweet dream car without having to worry about gas prices hahaha.
i know ive grown to be highly materialistic (in comparison to my childhood days back in the Philippines/Japan). thats because im more exposed to a very materialistic society - the US. living in the US is like a string attached to the bills thats attached to your neck - if u keep the bills near you, you can still breathe. but once u buy something and hand that bill over to whoever, it goes away and you choke yourself. my analogies are never good - but it makes sense to me.... anyways.
so the past few days after my last departure to the philippines, ive been spending an okay amount of time just wandering around and trying to take pictures of what is there and what was there. to me, the philippines is a very relaxing place even if the volcano erupts or an earthquake hits the cities.. still a relaxing place where i know i can grow, learn and achieve.
almost 2 decades, i spent my first 2 decades of my life living in the Philippines, away from my native home. a third culture kid, yes. and i loved it. gave lots of tough times to my parents, and im thankful for their support in every possible way. and now, i dont dare to let them down anymore. turning 20 in the US wasnt a great experience and having to hear that my family's moving out from Manila added pressure and stress on me that it affected my school work - sounds like an excuse, but this is me being honest.
a lot of people may be thinking either: so what if you move out; its time for a change; who cares, you're a grown up now; or even too bad. but to me, letting go of something ive been investing so much of myself is not easy. that applies to a rugged up doll, a death of a loving pet, fighting over many small things with a best friend.... spending so much time and suddenly having to part with it is .... cruel. but then again, its something i need to accept and not reject. my parents gave me a chance to stay here to grow and learn and of course to enjoy and i used it all up. my options are limited if not none. i plan to live my life to the fullest before i leave manila for good.
even if i do come back here in the future, things will be different. my houses will be gone, tall sky scrapers blocking the view of the sky, heavier traffic....i duno. sigh
my counsellor told me that im not adaptable to change. and i agree. i am not. ive been running on a track all this while and suddenly, i feel derailed. i cant run without tracks. what now? just crash and burn? - if thats an option, i'd really take it.
so back to my point, 2008 is ending in few days. what can i do within the last few days? i really should start packing and cleaning out my things from my room and the house.... and meet as many people as i can who i wont be seeing in New England and stay sane for many other reasons.
2008 was an adventure for me - in both good and bad ways. i just have to try to make it end on a good note so i wont have turning-backs.
school's out and im so stressed from being bored - but i love this feeling somewhat but then weird things' been going on.... like i eat so much and never feel full. i cant seem to enjoy anything. i cant get enough sleep / rest
moreover, im really stressed and feeling lonely since all my friends have left so early for home. so now im stuck in the snow, feeling very ..... empty. somewhat feel derailed.
ive been watching dramas and whatnot, but i cant seem to fully enjoy them all. hmm.
and now that im moving out from the philippines, im debating whether i should bring one suitcase (thats pretty big) or two huge ones.... i mean afterall, im moving out so i thought it would be good to bring two so my parents wont have to move much of my stuff (like clothes esp) back to japan... but blah, i honestly dont know, so im waiting for my brother to come online. so i can consult with him.
i miss friends...i really do. i miss civilization.... i feel physically lonley and emotionally empty. this semester's been really rough on me. financial issues, family issues, school issues.
i honestly dont know. i dont know anymore.
i feel ill too, from eating too much junk food. ugh. but im broke and lazy to go outside to the market to get some stuff thats nutritious...
i hate winter. i hope, and i really mean it - that next year will be much better for me.
2008 is coming to an end, and what have i acheived? nothing.
i just wanna go home, but like always, im dreading the long flights back...
I love to have few friends, theyre quality friends. im not the type of person who thinks quantity conquers all. i like quality and its simple, if i get treated like a diamond, i treat u like one too. :)