i miss friends so much. not even funny.

i cant believe im in the philippines already. . . . the byes were very shortened coz of the putang driver. i cried so much. my eyes nicely swollen, my body drained with water, my clock jetlagged as hell...
i dnt know.

i called my friends awhile ago and it made me feel somewhat better. but then the thought that i wont be seeing one of my friend for a while kills me since we're so close to each other.

i am happy for what i did last september (06) when he asked me if i wanted to go to boston with him at 11pm. the old me would be like, sorry i have class or like...nah not in the mood.
but something was different, without much hesitation, i okay-ed and joined him to boston. then our friendship began from there. how fun. :)

so anyways. thats about it......
im jetlagged as f-ck and im wondering if i shud sleep or not.

so nothing much. i shud be studying but then i havent. i just dont want to. i cant study alone... i mean i do study alone but i need someone to be there with me when im studying.

hmm. yea . . .
i was reading my livejournal entries from last year...and i was feeling sad. what i thought (in the past) was coming true.
from lj :: [i hate having upperclassmen friends! theyre gona graduate so soon....next december, next next may....i hate it! im gona be so lonely]

now its here, my upperclassmen friend is graduating. ken will be in the west coast...true, i will miss him.
i wonder how i will survive my later years in clark. all i can do is just hope that i will survive ... really.

i kno i dont have much friends, because i have quality friends. quantity doesnt matter, its the quality.... sigh. i cant stand it.

i really cant. it hurts. few more days left until i see him in spring break (or summer break). now i know, i wont make upperclassmen friends anymore coz i've had enough. i dont want to suffer this pain anymore.

makes me wonder. i tell this to myself every year but then...i end up making more upperclassmen friends. sucks for me huh?


i am tired from studying.
dear diary, i cant stand it anymore. good bye.

Sarah Geronimo's Forever's Not Enough is a good song. i like .

semester is coming to an end and my best friend is busying himself with packing. I am sad.

sad because he wont be here when im back from break.... but i'll see him during spring break - i hope?
ive been telling my friends what i should do because i'll be missing him lots and theyre all like...just chill, you'll get new friends.

thats not the point. he's first and best friend at clark. he means so much to me. he took really good care of me and i will miss his presence when he's in the west coast.
i kno part of me tells me that i will survive - just like how i survived summer breaks without my closest friends.....sigh.
i duno.... its just weird. feels weird.

i remember when my high school best friend left for canada right after school ended and ithought i would die from boredom...but i didnt...so lets see how this goes.

so exam week is here and i have studied enough for my geo final which is on friday....friday night to be exact....
my best friend is in new york with his mom and sister and cousin and his family. he left on monday night - right after his class and came back tuesday night. but we didnt get to talk much. i thought he was mad at me for going to the "hill" (holy cross) ...but i guess he was just tired. then this morning, he decided to go to new york again so he left ... its only been 11hrs and im bored shitless.

before summer ended, i told myself over and over and over again that i will not be close with him for one reason . this is the reason why i tried to avoid but i couldnt. i failed.
ups and downs we went thru - together and individually. it sucks.

like what my expos professor told the class, make memories because you new know when fun times ends. i guess its true. very true.
ive been trying to make memories good memories...but... the thought that he'll be gone from the east kills me - just like how my high school best friend left right after graduation. i never saw her again in real - she's become "another chatting friend". pretty sad.


and also, i cant live alone. living alone is the scariest thing ever. no one to talk to...no one to chill with...just the sound of the heater or the fingers typing on the keyboard........
its just scary. i wonder how people do it... really.

shud i go back to campus? if i do, i have fast internet and i wont have to worry about walking in the snow tmw morning...
hmm maybe i shud.
sigh. i dnt want wednesday morning to come... time goes by too quickly. i hate it.

clinical

果てしなく遠い明日へ・・・・
疲れた。この命欲しくない。
なぜ私はいつも無視される運命なの？信じていた人に二度と裏切られないと願い思っていた
しかしまた裏切られた
悲しい
痛い
この痛みどう説明すればいいの？

cookies.
they are sitting beside my laptop staring at me....shud i eat it? hmm.
cookies are for eating and not for stealing glances making eye contact with each other.

nah i shudnt eat it.
i shud just leave it and wait till the oil disfigures and discolours the cookie.

yes.

and its gona snow tmw. yay. fuck. bitch.



all i wanted was a simple sorry...then it'll make me feel better. but no, ... why?

why - ayaka. a good song.

i miss my oldself. but again, i never had any before. ive been living a shallow life. too shallow that the sun can dehydrate it anytime soon....
take me away and i will be happier than living a life like this.

memory

so many things going on.
my 9am class was good and so was my 12noon.

9am class was geo and it was fun. they talked about health issues and how it has been pushed aside for ages etc etc.
12 noon class was just a waste of time. my professor was mad at the whole world and the class was just like..wtf.

anyways. yea, other than that, nothing much. ive been coping with my mental health and been less depressed. ive been occupying myself with work and whatnot so i guess its a good start for me.

i was telling my friend that i was backing out from the counsellings because im scared that i might get too drugged up. i kno how it is to get drugged, it sucks.
sigh.
i miss what i call life. wait, what and how was my life before?

i really dont remember anything......

shout out.

i woke up this morning with no improvement of emotional stress. infact, felt worse.
yesterday, i tried to make an appointment with the counselling services of my school, however, i was led to the voice mail straight away. so i left a voice msg, but they havent gotten back to me yet.
i called them today after having lunch but they were in lunch break so i was just like fuck it.

im not running away from society, i am about to be torn apart from it. all i can do is just stay sane and keep my thoughts together. but of course, i lack everything that needs to be there.
im not good enough to do anything, im just a weakling struggling to survive in this world just another hour longer.

i honestly dont know what to do. i sleep, and wake up crying. i eat, and feel like throwing up. im not pms-ing or anything but why? i experienced this last semester as well. i didnt know what to do. my friends told me to go see a shrink etc. but i didnt. i insisted that i would be fine - which was a true lie.

some people think that i want all the attention but im not. by typing here, people may think that im being some fucking retard drama queen, but to be honest, no. my intentions are clear, i need somewhere to write, some place to let go of all my feelings and thoughts and simply feel better. however, my so called blog therapy isnt working. so fuck it.

i let go of all the bad blood and feel better
i sense no pain no regret
i cant stay sane, ive lost myself already.
i sunk deep down in my own ocean of thoughts
no one to rescue me. what have i done to myself?
for years ive been wanting to get love, some level of attention and respect.
im not a puppet. i am a human with feelings just like you.
why do i need to go thru all this?
someone just give me an answer.

sometimes i feel like i need a tight slap but i dont think that would make things better, it'll make things worse.

even if i scream, no one will hear me
even if i flood the bedsheets with tears, no one will realize
even if i cut myself loose, no one will care

what if i just dissapear? no one will notice. no one will miss me.


why did i come to college? to feel this pain? i cant stand it anymore.
but if i back out now, what will happen? i wont be able to grow up. i need to be independent.
but is this what everyone goes thru? i dont think so.

i may be a spoiled little bitch sometimes but i know what i am saying and what i am thinking.

if only i can control myself. that would be nice.

no matter how hard i try, i would never grow stronger - simply because i dont have the guts to
im running low on batteries.

just a simple show of love and care i would be fine and strong, i will be able to stand back up.
but society is harsh on me. no matter how far i reach, i wont be able to grab it.

i wanna end my tears and pain.

this isnt my first time "blogging". in fact, this is my 8th blog site. what happened to my old ones? i either deleted them or forgot the password and plus, i was getting bored with the good old; live journal or xanga. so here is my new blog.

so far, im liking it - simple and clean - hmm, my cup of tea.

anyways. watever.
i havent been doing much lately. 1st sem of my 2nd year at Woo is okay. fun but not much.

i am being very cynical, like always, cursing people, society, .... everything in sight.

迷子・・・そう、私は迷子になった人。　自分の思うこと、信じたいこと、全部に対して迷子。　時々生きてるのが辛くなったり、面倒に思えてくる。
自分は何で生きてるの？何で泣きたくも無いのに泣くの？
私はカッターです。こんな辛い時に自分の真っ赤に染まる服を見て泣いたり、笑ったり・・・どうしてだろう？何で嬉しいんだろう？
自分の涙滲んだ顔を鏡で見て『何で生きてるの？」っと鏡に映る自分に聞く。

大学に来てからつくづく思った、「私のイル場所ってどこにも無い」

私の居場所ってどこ？

誰に話せばいいの？

「迷子な私を助けて」　っと叫びたいが誰も聞いてくれない。。。誰も私のためにいない。