2008 closure [[part ii of ii]]

just hours left of 2008...

nothing much to say.

its raining so much and im getting sick of it. but yea, its global warming. . .

Happy 2009.

May 2009 bring you all good hope, wealth, and health.

2008 closure [[part i of ii]]

reflecting back, i remember reading the chinese zodiac readings for this year for myself.
i skimmed it thru but i stumbled upon one sentence "sufferings in finance". at first, i let it go, but towards the end of summer, i realized....that ive been having financial problems - more like my bad uncontrolled spending habits.

well anyways, i just hope - from the deepest point of my heart - that next year will be better financially, emotionally, physically, and academic wise.
i dont really follow new years resolutions because i end up forgetting them or just compromising them somehow at some point....
but this is something i'd like to achieve this coming year. "driving".
for the longest time, driving's been my biggest dream and of course, driving my own sweet dream car without having to worry about gas prices hahaha.

i know ive grown to be highly materialistic (in comparison to my childhood days back in the Philippines/Japan). thats because im more exposed to a very materialistic society - the US. living in the US is like a string attached to the bills thats attached to your neck - if u keep the bills near you, you can still breathe. but once u buy something and hand that bill over to whoever, it goes away and you choke yourself.
my analogies are never good - but it makes sense to me....
anyways.

so the past few days after my last departure to the philippines, ive been spending an okay amount of time just wandering around and trying to take pictures of what is there and what was there.
to me, the philippines is a very relaxing place even if the volcano erupts or an earthquake hits the cities.. still a relaxing place where i know i can grow, learn and achieve.

almost 2 decades, i spent my first 2 decades of my life living in the Philippines, away from my native home. a third culture kid, yes. and i loved it. gave lots of tough times to my parents, and im thankful for their support in every possible way. and now, i dont dare to let them down anymore.
turning 20 in the US wasnt a great experience and having to hear that my family's moving out from Manila added pressure and stress on me that it affected my school work - sounds like an excuse, but this is me being honest.

a lot of people may be thinking either: so what if you move out; its time for a change; who cares, you're a grown up now; or even too bad.
but to me, letting go of something ive been investing so much of myself is not easy. that applies to a rugged up doll, a death of a loving pet, fighting over many small things with a best friend....
spending so much time and suddenly having to part with it is .... cruel.
but then again, its something i need to accept and not reject.
my parents gave me a chance to stay here to grow and learn and of course to enjoy and i used it all up. my options are limited if not none. i plan to live my life to the fullest before i leave manila for good.

even if i do come back here in the future, things will be different. my houses will be gone, tall sky scrapers blocking the view of the sky, heavier traffic....i duno.
sigh

my counsellor told me that im not adaptable to change. and i agree. i am not. ive been running on a track all this while and suddenly, i feel derailed. i cant run without tracks. what now?
just crash and burn? - if thats an option, i'd really take it.

so back to my point, 2008 is ending in few days.
what can i do within the last few days?
i really should start packing and cleaning out my things from my room and the house....
and meet as many people as i can who i wont be seeing in New England
and stay sane for many other reasons.

2008 was an adventure for me - in both good and bad ways.
i just have to try to make it end on a good note so i wont have turning-backs.

the last few days...

school's out and im so stressed from being bored - but i love this feeling somewhat
but then weird things' been going on.... like i eat so much and never feel full. i cant seem to enjoy anything. i cant get enough sleep / rest

moreover, im really stressed and feeling lonely since all my friends have left so early for home.
so now im stuck in the snow, feeling very ..... empty. somewhat feel derailed.

ive been watching dramas and whatnot, but i cant seem to fully enjoy them all.
hmm.

and now that im moving out from the philippines, im debating whether i should bring one suitcase (thats pretty big) or two huge ones....
i mean afterall, im moving out so i thought it would be good to bring two so my parents wont have to move much of my stuff (like clothes esp) back to japan...
but blah, i honestly dont know, so im waiting for my brother to come online. so i can consult with him.

i miss friends...i really do. i miss civilization.... i feel physically lonley and emotionally empty.
this semester's been really rough on me.
financial issues, family issues, school issues.

i honestly dont know.
i dont know anymore.

i feel ill too, from eating too much junk food.
ugh.
but im broke and lazy to go outside to the market to get some stuff thats nutritious...

sigh-

i hate winter. i hope, and i really mean it - that next year will be much better for me.

2008 is coming to an end, and what have i acheived?
nothing.

great.

i just wanna go home, but like always, im dreading the long flights back...

public humiliation...
ive had enough from insensitivity.

ive noticed, how blind ive made myself to what i really am, to what i really was feeling inside.

ive never wanted change. but now i do. i need to change now, now is my time to shine for myself.

30%, like always

i feel like ive been treated like shit lately by my best friend.
treated bad to a point that i end up crying behind his back, on the bed about to sleep, under the shower, or just in my room.

i hate how im so weak now. people think that im strong, but really, im not.
im already splintered and bleeding nonstop that i think i can die from the lack of blood.

i wont be surprised.

people ive talked to might have gotten the impression of a "drama queen" from my ventings. but what i talked to them about is the pure reflection of what's been going on my life.

so today was friday, my lab got cancelled because we get a whole amount of hwk. so anyways, we were planning to go to Natick Mall (29ish miles away from worcester). i was so excited, like always. but the second fone call turned me down. of course this was coming, i saw it coming, but why didnt i notice it before?
see, im just so stupid.

whatever. i dont want to make judgements for my own emotions. its true ive been caught up with work but that doesnt interfer with outside-school stuff.
watever.

you'll see, how destructive i can be. just wait and see.

i already packed my shit from his place. i can be like blair wardolf from gossip girl. i can be a bitch. i can make people humiliate in public. i can burn their prides down within seconds.
life should revolve around myself (and a little of school).


just wait and see bitches out there.





then i ask myself, why am i wasting time burning their prides down etc. then i answer, thats because its fun to watch them go down to where they really belong.

i am officially broke.
yes, you heard that. ive never been this broke before and my parents wont give me money since they said its not right to keep giving money.
so i "forgot" to save.
thats not true, throughout october, my intentions were on saving and nothing but saving.

i only have so little that makes me scared - will i have enough money to make it thru the rest of the semester?
i mean technically speaking, semester's ending soon but knowing me, i'd go nuts.

so i asked my department when im getting paid - they said soon enough. but their soon enough takes forever.

even if i do a foreign currency exchange, still wont have enough to last me long.
grr.

if only people actually pay me back on time. but still, the money i will get from the paybacks wont be enough.
shit.

realy, im broke, im broke and im broke.

good ways to earn money for an international student? like i wanna earn money like a finger snap!

><

win-win?

hello, so like always, I write at odd hours of the day and of the semester, but its okay.

its so weird how i had adapted to the messed up sleeping schedule. it's so messed up that on Tuesday night, I slept from 10:30pm till 9:30am and that was like, really, WOW for me. really - i've been so sleep deprieved lately and because of this 11hr sleep, I couldnt sleep on Wednesday night. well despite the fact that i had homework and i procrastinated, i still didnt feeldrowsy or sleepy at all.
funny

well anyways its 8am in New England and wat am i doing? I'm waiting for my 9am class. today, I have 6hours of classes in one shot, wow. greatness.
it's so sad too, since i have so many things to do.

oh, last week, i was very sick to point where i lost my voice for 5 days. I'm sure some people were very happy about that - since they didnt have to hear me talk my way through or scream at them. but that was fun. my best friend took really good care of me and i'm really grateful. although im feeling really guilty that i might have made him sick :( this is what i hate about living together in a house, a dorm, or an apartment unit. roommates always get sick before or after you.
sucks huh?

oh, good news. well for me at least. well its actually both good and bad.
so let me start with the bad news- the two summer courses i took during the summer (08; the two sociology courses) couldn't be counted towards my minor which, [shift gears to the good news] i declared just yesterday. my faculty who signed my release paper was an old man, Dr. Ross. he's kinda sketchy looking but i'm sure he's nice. he's on sabbatical leave right now but good thing I found him in his office.

so yea that's that. next semester's going to be INTENSE like a bi-ch. 1 geo course with my currently favorite geo professor, and 3 sociology courses. hopefully i can find another course to take. but im sure time doesnt allow so im guessing not.
but at some point soon, i wanna take a 5th course which i wasnt able to take this semester because of stupid landscape ecology.

next semester, my mondays and wednesdays will be off, which is SO nice :D thursdays, i only have one 3hr long class and tuesdays and fridays, i have class from 12noon till about 7pm. how wondeorful. blah!

oh well. i should go get coffee before i pass out during class!
<3>

i hate it , really do.
as if you have full control of me all the time, demanding things. ive had enough.

enough of all this bullshit and i, honestly speaking, is sad from all this treatments.
you never listen, you never care.

dakara sayounara.

midterm break?

so we undergrads dont get fall break this semester. why ? ask the clark undergrad faculty committee....! but the grad students get lotsa break - since they deserve it? shrugs.

so my best friend just left for LA almost 20 hrs ago, and well, I'm happy for him and always wishing him a safe trip/flight and everything.
i had a rough day, did some readings, had some errands to run, etc. then i havent heard from my best friend since like...i duno, 1pm ish then i was getting worried but i thought he's doing okay and waited for him to call since i didnt want to disturb him and his "2nd home".

around 2am he called and i was happy. then my words didnt come out right - i think i said "im mad and everything because you're having fun and im not".
then he said, in a cold tone, "youre not happy coz im having fun?"
thats not what i meant. of course im happy for him but part of me is jealous because he gets a 10 day break ><>


本当にツライよ
泣いてばかりでもう疲れた
自分を傷つけてまで我慢する必要なんてないよね？
人のために自分の体を傷つけるなんてありえないし
コイシイ気持ちで溢れるばかりで自分が嫌いになって行く

一緒にいてほしいのに　いつも言えずにいるばかり

お互い会わないほうがいいのかな？
我慢し泣きくずれ傷つけ自分が何でコンナニ弱いのか疑問に思う
at the end of the day　大切な人は他にいるのかも知れない。でも私の大切な人は彼・・・やっと信じられるようになったのに・・・このような態度は冷たすぎる・・・冬風で十分な冷たさ。 thats the last thing i would want this season.

its become a habit that i cant feel the pain anymore.

i feel broken.

i feel splinters in my back

i dont know why.

i miss the summer fun, the long adventerous nights

hasnt ended yet, but where do i go to search for the painless world?

Pier One

Pier One last night!

Had so much fun last night. I picked up S from his place again to head to pier one - our hang out place. We told J to come later so that S and I could have a lil chitchat (chismis) like we used to. It was really fun, got to catch up on each other. One hour went by so quickly when J and his gang came. lol.

D, W, and Je came along. so we moved chairs and kept drinking and smoking. (S and I were sharing a pack and we smoked everything by the end of the night). We all talked and caught up with each other's uni life. W goes to La Salle, Je isnt going to school because he quit his business major last semester and isnt going to school till next feb, then D goes to Brock U and he's ... just D lol. still the old him but have matured a lot from elementary hahahaha!

G came and he was still him. same old from grade 1! He goes to La Salle too with W. Then about an hour later, C joined (goes to Suffolk, so close by!) the crowd grew big and it was really fun. Although at first, S didnt seem like he was having fun, but Je and I kept on trying to cheer him up. S and I shared beer and a blue margarita pitcher and yea by the end of the night, I was half way to getting tipsy. S who is a nice guy kept worrying about me since i was getting mad about C and J lol. (now is all good though).

S said "i'm so nice, i spent every free period with you at OA" then i was like ..? then he added "coz i had nothing better to do" *ouch* lol
but if i think about it, its true how he visited me during OA back in senior year. guess i liked that bit of senior year - only that. Math, English, ..... and other classes i hated. OA was fun. lol.

M (who goes to La Salle as well), joined in 10 minutes before S and I went home. sigh, a mini reunion. our pack of marlb menthol lights went out in less than 4 hours. was so fun. very fun.

I dropped S back to his place and then I felt sad because he's leaving tomorrow and our barkada members aren't here in the philippines. we'll prolly never meet again in one place. last summer was the first and the last with all the fun. i feel sad.

Next winter break, if I do come back to the philippines (which i really really hope), i get to fly back to the states with S (if schedules do agree). but if mom wont let me, i will save money and fly there just so i can fly back to the US with him and not alone lol. then he said "if nt, then i'll save money and go to boston".
would be so fun.

speaking of boston, D asked me what i do in boston. I said shop. theres nothing to do other than shop.
then W joined and he said newbury? lol.
of course W, i do go to newbury.

i miss last night already. if only i didnt have a curfew, i wouldve had more fun. if only....

NRT > MNL (and ISM visit with S and J)

"NW 001" was my flight back to Manila from Japan yesterday. I sat in the emergency exit row with my mom and some random guy who laughed and cried and sang to his iPod nano.

And because the passengers sitting in the emergency exit row, we sit facing the cabin attendants. And omg, this cabin attendant with the name plate "JON" ....!! 熱い! I saw him sitting down even before the doors were closed and the chief CA lady was like telling him something and he was walking around and got on his seat when the plane started running for take off. lol so scary.

Anyways. so yes, I am back in Manila, Philippines. My brother left for Detroit on the same day and my mom has been sad because he left.... Oh well, 3 months and a bit, and we'll all be back in one house.

Being back is somewhat special - especially if I only have 11days to spend. Here is where my time managing skills come into play. Mornings and early afternoons, I usually spend in my house or running simple errands and in the afternoon and at night, im usually out with friends. Every other night, I'm out and the nights that I'm not seen in public, that means I'm at home spending quality time watching tv or drinking tea lol.
Then the day before my departure, I stay home, pack all day and chill. Try to sleep early but somewhat get excited or nervous about the long endless flights that I will be facing.

My mom says Clark is too far, and I agree. But I can't do anything about it.

-------- A whole day has past, I am still thinking of what to write ----

I went to school today with my two friends from High school - S and J. I picked S up from his mansion and off we drove to starbucks nearby school where J was waiting for us. J really dropped some pounds - for a second, i thought i was saying hi to the wrong person ... but twas J himself.

Then we talked and drove off to school - J was flaunting his new Caddie Escalade while S and I were just driving to school in my car. School visit was fun, but towards the end, we were informed with some tragic news of our very own upperclassmen's sudden death. (Rest in Peace *prays*)

S was kind of annoyed at J's presence and I felt bad, because J wasn't planning to join us till last minute. So yes, I decided to make up for it tomorrow night when we meet at our wall of fame.
Yes, what I've been waiting for - for 7 whole months!!!

Sigh, I'm tired. I shall rest after I eat some dinner.
<3

*C.T., rest in peace*

何度も何度も君を想って

何度も何度も未来描いた

言葉に出来ない loving you

まだこの胸であふれてるの

そばにいる友達だった

あの夏に偶然会って

可愛いって微笑んでくれたね

君との恋の始まり

鮮やかな思い出は

優しくなんかないね

何度も何度も君を想って

何度も何度も未来描いた

言葉に出来ない loving you

まだこの胸であふれてるの

海沿いの防波堤

夕焼けに二人照らされ

寄り添ってつないで触れた手が

愛しくて離せなかった

失ったしまうなら

あの日に戻りたいよ

夏色の空に永遠願って

何度も何度も涙流した

今も何も変われずに miss you

ありがとういつか君へ

遠ざかるその声を

振り返らないその背中を

今すぐに追いかけて

抱いてしまえたら

何度も何度も君を想って

何度も何度も未来描いた

言葉に出来ない loving you

まだこの胸であふれてるの

夏色の空に永遠願って

何度も何度も涙流した

今も何も変われずに miss you

ありがとういつか君へ

ありがとう忘れないよ

何度も何度も君を想って

言葉に出来ない loving you まだ

何度も何度も君を想って

言葉に出来ない loving youまだ

何度も・・・by青山テルマ

今一番良く聞く歌です。姫も今忘れられない人がいる。好きな人が入るにも拘らず、昔一方的に好きだった人をまだ・・・忘れられません

友達から始まり、友達以上恋人以下。。。「今の私たちってどこに立つの？」っと聞きたかった・・・でも怖かった。

何度も考え、泣き、迷った。でもあの人（彼）は知らなかった、姫の思い。

４－５年前の話しても楽しくないね、（笑

っま、さておき、今姫は日本にいる　半年ぶりに日本に帰ってきた。

今の日本ってすごく危険な場所になってる

もう一人でぶらり旅なんてできない。ッチェ！

後１週間でまた日本を去る。日本からフィリピンに行ってそして１０日もしないうちにアメリカに帰っちゃう

寂しいけど勉強のため。大好きな友達たちが待ってるから☆

日本に来た時は　「あ～早く帰りたいな～」っと思ってたけど何か疲れてきた

sigh

heat

Two words. "ITS HOT!"

So the monsoon season is finally gone, summer is here and I can hear children running around the neighborhood.

Yesterday, I found an English class (not big enough to call a school), while I was walking back home from buying groceries. The English class was called "ENGLISH TIME". Through the huge plate of transparent window, I saw a Canadian (probably from all the Canadian flags being pasted on the wall) teacher and some Japanese adults (perhaps college students).

They were all doing something, so I left and headed back home.

I rarely see foreigners in my area. Well, I'm living away from Tokyo right now. But the area where my grandparents live, theres lots of foreigners farming and making pots enjoying and learning their zen sphere.

I guess this area is like half way - not enough people to call it a city, not enough space to harvest crops or plant trees..bleh.

It's so hot here, today's the first hottest day since summer started this year. It's already 36 degrees C (I dont know in F). It's so hot, but I guess I like the heat. Right now is 2:45pm, I just came back from sitting outside in my garden and eating ice cubes hahaha.
-----

i'm also not feeling well. i feel like a rusted robot.

why?

i am upset. very
why does everyone say bad about my best friend?

i am aware that ever since i graduated from high school, my appearance in public has gone downhill because ive been dissing and cussing at everything i see. but its not coz of my best friend.

you can diss me but dont get my best friend involved. and dont talk bad about someone YOU dont know. if you dont know him/her, just keep your mouth SHUT.
my best friends have nothing to do with my self-degrading manners

blame ME and not them. im not a fucking follower - i do things my way.

no word can explain or define how i feel right now - happy, mad, worried, skeptical, hectic, tired, nostalgic, etc. in fact, i dont know myself.


im still mad about the whole flatmate incident and i lost trust, respect and every thing that needs to be there - its just gone. and i feel mentally unsafe and unsecure living there alone with 2 people i am hating right now and another person who ive known since elementary.
ive been advised to move out by friends and my best friend told me that he's welcoming me all the time - makes me wanna cry because i feel like i have a place somewhere other than home - this means so much to me, that i almost cried (literally).

oh, and im really happy - academic wise - i am one credit short since freshman first semester and im considered as a sophomore second semester still. but i took 2 summer courses so im one credit ahead of people (and im a junior first sem). and i talked to my former FA and he's been really kind and giving me thorough guidance via email.
im planning to take a 5th course - where only selected people can take - and i even talked to the Dean of College and he siad he'll approve me because ive been doing good (grade wise). so im really happy about that.
i dropped intermediate japanese to take another sociology course (and ive decided to minor in sociology). Although i still have like 5 more courses to take for geography, including capstone (research), i thought sociology can be a good backup (even though im minoring).
for a sociology minor, i need to take 3 mandatory courses (which im planning to take 2 out of the 3 this fall) and 3 200+ level courses (I already took one 200 level course during the summer and I signed in for the second one for the fall). In total, im taking 3 sociology courses (2 introductory and 1 specialization/skills course) and 2 geography courses. I know it will be intense but I dont want to waste money taking japanese classes when I can get it for free from mom.

now that i think about it, im starting to worry about geography - will i have enough time to finish my geo? :s

here is my plan. lol.
fall 08 - intro to sociology, classical sociological theory, population environment development, urban ecology, and utopian vision

spring 09 - class status power, vector GIS+lab, who fears what and why, (maybe a capstone for geo), sociology of the environment

by spring 09, i will finish my minor.
and hopefully by fall 09, i will finish my geo.

im aiming to finish a semester early, but i need to take summer courses again to get enough credits for graduation ( i need 32::: i need to take 32 courses for graduation) - so far i only have... 15 +2 (summer) so 17.

i shouldnt rush, but somewhere in my head, i feel like im in the need to..... but at the same time, i need to concentrate on my grades. if i get good grades this fall, i can petition for a 5th course again. then if i do well (touch wood), i want to apply for the 5th year for masters. if i really like sociology, i want to get a masters in sociology or if not, i'll take GIS.

im so excited.


----

going back to housing.
i need to start looking for houses.
the thought of living in the same floor as those two makes me go crazy inside and out. its a suicidal act and i dnt like it.

今マジでキレている
なぜなら同居人二人（韓国人）が小さいことに口を挟むから
って言うか、私の部屋に今住んでいる親友の事で色々揉めているの。

its not like my 親友 is giving them problem - and plus, one of the 同居人isnt even there. she's at home　in korea . ムカつく　
何かあれば私に直接言ってよ。psh, 度胸が無いから出来なんだろうね、かわいそう
でも日曜の夜に家族で久しぶりに晩ご飯を食べようとしている時に電話が掛かってきたら食べる気分どっかいっちゃうじゃん
本当にマナー知らずってか無理か
As if she knows what the hell is going on - she only knows one side of the story. this is just like the replay of what happened last october. wtf. is this what you call revenge? i'll show you revenge. 車椅子生活にしてやる。ナメンじゃねーぞボケ

韓国人を批判しているわけではない、でも私が今一緒に同居している人たちはマジムカつきます

たま～に　すずらんやトリカブトの花を探して毒殺したいくらいです。ってかim kinda very capable of doing it
っで今私の親友にそれを伝えたら「問題ない」っと言われた。。。が、私はfeeling guilty at all times　だって、彼は私の部屋、トイレ、たまーに台所を使うだけでほとんどは私の部屋に閉じこもっています。
なのにナゼ？
ナゼ　彼が批判されないといけないの?それがサッパリ分からない。

迷惑をかけている訳でもないのに。ウザイ人間はマジこりごりです。

makes me think whether i should move out. 母には「もう耐えられない」っと言った。I was surprised that she isn't going against me living off campus like she usually would
i felt bad when i shut her up in front of the chefs in the restaurant　－本当にヒドイ事をした。。。本当に反省をしています（正座）

when i was talking to the two flatmates, I felt so powerless, but somewhere inside, i felt like i would talk them through, but nicely, the wave caught my feet and swallowed inside the roaring sea where poseidon sleeps.

blah. まだちょっとキレている。
ここに書いているとちょっと気が治まりますでも親友が心配です。本当に心配です。

Adventure....

So my classes are about to end, I am packing my things ready-ing to return to where I call home . . . . Philippines and Japan.

My best friend is back from the west after a tiring long road trip and my other best friend is in Waltham- which is in between Woo and Boston.

So we met up :) all three of us and just chilled the night away - or so it was planned.
However, since Boston City is being such a putangina and stripping the roads, the manholes popping out from weird places and it was just disasterous. So, the one-too-many manholes resulted in my friend's car's front tire to burst. So we called the dealership and what not and we got the towing truck to come - or so we thought.
Nicely, the towing truck driver "refused" to come pick us up. After waiting hours, we finally got hold of a towing company. sigh. we waited for like at least 5hrs in commonwealth ave.
so that was the adventure, it was pretty interesting but i was kinda falling asleep while i was in the car waiting for the tow truck.

sigh, im so tired, but yea i shouldnt sleep now - i wanna watch snl kasi.
lol

End of summer session

Summer classes are ending next week, whoa.
Summer was pretty quick well, only 6 weeks of classes so I guess it was short.

Twice a week, from 6pm to 9:30pm, I would sit in one class, then the next day I would do the same. I took 2 classes - both Sociology. They were pretty interesting i must say. Ive been enjoying the class too much that I think i might take more sociology classes next semester!

The ironic thing is that I took two 200+ level courses before taking the mandatory intro course which I am planning to take next sem (fall).

Anyways, enough of school talk, I recently moved into my new apartment which is 5 minutes away from campus by walk. Which isnt bad, but let's see what will happen when it starts snowing massively.

I still need to get furniture such as a side table so I can put in some stuff. I also need a mini desk (like a short short small coffee table) that will cover up all the nasty medusa-like wires thats going everywhere in the room. So far, I have a bed and a bookshelf which I built by myself and Im kinda proud of it.

Now that I have my own tv, Ive been watching Eurocup. I just finished watching Portugal vs Germany. Nicely Germany won and I was very dissapointed with Ronaldo. but oh well.....

In less than 2 weeks, I'm leaving here, for Philippines and for Japan, kinda excited but not the plane ride. I wanna go to 6 Flags before going thou because my best friend told me that he'll take me once he gets back. He just started his road tripping across the country, which Im really excited and worried about. Its his second time doing this, but still kinda worried.

Anyways, yea, nothing much. I should start doing one of my paper.

nostalgic

hi and goodbye,

i am officially done with my second year of college, and i still have two more years to go until i recieve my undergraduate degree.

exams this semester wasn't intense as last semester's - in fact, i had no exams, but endless papers and presentations which i confidently did. and i hope my grades reflect on my hardwork.

so i was just doing laundry, and i felt somewhat nostalgic -
i am done with sophomore year but in my second year of college, i experienced "first-year" life. meaning to say that i did not have a freshie life before - i was surrounded by many people who were warm hearted and had lots to offer. now, i do have many people in my life who has lots to offer, but now that my best friend isnt here, i feel lonely, felt like im back in my first semester at college, just that it was longer.

this semester, i never got the motivation to do anything, to work, enjoy, parties, whatever. really.
i feel weird and odd, off-guard all the time. i feel sad too.

i have gone thru good and bad like many, but mainly, this semester i found myself arguing and thinking, laughing and crying about guy problems. problems which i rarely encountered in my previous life back in asia. just that this time was intense.

other than that, i am left with boxes undone and 50% of my room still unpacked
i miss everything and everyone. school is so deserted already and im lonely. i wana be in love.

or is this because ive been watching too many dramas the past 4 days? (i completed 3 japanese dramas; Hotaru no Hikari, Sasaki fusai no jinginai tatakai, and First kiss) all love stories.

after watching Hotaru no Hikari, it made me think that i myself is a himono-onna. dried up till the bones, no love, just working my way through the unlit tunnels....


pst, wtf, .

bye

slow death of spring semester 08

exams are coming up and of course, graduation of the seniors. I never thought graduation of seniors would affect me. But a classmate of mine gave me her invitation to the commencement. I felt kind of sad.

spring approaches and the sun is flaring up. global warming occuring as many malnourished children and women of rural Africa and Southeast Asian suffer every day. what can we do to help?
If only I can change their lives for the better in a global scale, i wont ask for more.

the water in our basins drying up just like the blood, that i feel is wasted, splattering everywhere around Iraq. Innocent elders, innocent children getting killed right in front of their friends, families, and countrymen. How much more does people have to suffer from this time, money and life consuming war? Why can't people agree to one thing and compromise? News taking away breaths and a heart skipping a beat or two of parents, relatives, friends, children, lovers as the face picture of the brave soldiers are shown for 10 seconds on the screen. News anchors emphasizing on "brave" a couple of times - i do agree, another life wasted in a useless war. why isnt the UN doing anything? what has gotten into peoples' minds?!

i am cynical, i hate this world. the men dominating world just annoys me. as a japanese, i was taught that women should just stay quiet and peaceful. and i am internally rebelling slowly turning externally. i know i am cynical and a rebellion. is there a problem? like ive said, i do hate this world. how can i love this world if people are fighting over meaningless things? and innocent people suffering wanting to live a second longer...
if only the war ends and with the money they different countries have put in the war, should go to the malnourished people and help them live just another day longer, a week, to a month then to a year, then to a decade and then to a century....

this planet is becoming a toxic waste site in the universe. women and children that are not given enough mobility are the ones suffering first after nature. brave women of all times; Rachel Carson with the DDT, Lois Gibbs of the Love Canal, Sandra Steingraber with the Illinois cancer clusters, Karen Silkwood in her Plutonium nuclear plant, Judith Hefland and her cancer from vinyl, and Erin Brockovich's investigation on Chromium IV.... they all risked their lives to show what is right and wrong to the men dominating society and were successful.
Now that i think about it, I am very fortuned that I did not grow in a western culture but of the Oriental east. Asia is very strict and yes it is male dominating, however, we women are given power and respect throughout history.

so what is spring? i would ask someone and a biologist would answer; breeding season for all living animals. a psychologist would answer; a warming and wakening up from the long winter - time to gain confidence. then a geographer like myself would answer; warming up of the world and cycling of pollutants and water.

but as a cynically eternal sad clown, spring to me is nothing. the western culture that i am living in is just getting worse. more people with guns and ill-mind sets. crimes everywhere and victims elsewhere.

the planet is suffering and so are we.
spring no longer means anything to us since we are too blinded by our actions and the social norms the media sets.

april showers

i hate it when it rains.

thursday was really sunny and so i sat outside and skipped work. i just chilled and enjoyed the weather, really. my class even convinced the professor that we should do work outside at the green (which is a grassy space right outside the main building and the geo building). we didnt do much other than just chitterchatter.

its saturday and i finished my articles for tmw's internship so now im just waiting for my nails to dry up so i can take out my laundry from the dryer.

maybe i will do another round of drying coz i have so many things inside that small machine.

i listen to hiphop and feel happy, then some songs i relate to myself and feel sad or happy.

last night was gala day and gala here is like the biggest event and everyone goes there. last year, my roomie and i couldnt watch because of the lack of seats. but this year, we started lining up at like...5 (and the event was at 7) lol. was great, except my expectations were a bit too high that i wasnt that amazed. but i saw lotsa alumnus and some upperclassmen who i dnt really see on campus. <3>

i have to write an 8page paper by friday but im not in the mood at all. ugh ... i mean i did  most of the readings but i guess i dnt know what they were about - since it was ages ago lol

I will work on my paper next tuesday on spree day or something - why? because I want to relax today. im so restless these days and its annoying me. but i dont have boy problems anymore so thats all good.

79 more days till i fly back and im just really excited . sorta.

blah~ april showers, i hate i hate.

www.goswoop.com 

check out that site for lotsa info! <3 

how's it going ?

今私はインターンの大切なミーティングにいます

でも今やることが無いので別にもう一人のclarkieと一緒にぼ～っとしてます★

明日までに6ページのレポートを書かなければいけない

でもまだ何もしてないのでちょっとパニクっています（汗

このごろ親友（clarkで会った）とよく電話･チャットで話してるんだ～本当にうれしい～

でも、（ぜんぜん違う話、）KPって人がいてマジストーカーっぽいんだ～　「もう電話しないで」って何回も言ったのに何も聞いてくれない。最初はちょっとOCDな人だな～っと思ってたけど、今はもう頭が痛くなるくらい。

私は彼のことが好きではないのになぜ?i told him already that im not interested　でもhe's trying so hard to get me to like him.　it wont work. never.

自業自得なのかな～?だって、その気を見せたかもしれないし。。。

でも、straight up　「私はその気が有りません」っと言った

fuckers.

anyways　今夜はレポートを終わらせて早く寝るようにしよう～

明日は２教科ありますでも朝早い日本語のクラスは行かなくて良い。だから１１時くらいまで寝てられる～ん

あ～あ忙しいな

早く夏休みにならないかな～?多分親友も来るかもしれないから（卒業式）ちょっと楽しみだな～♪

それではまた。

後４～５週間で春学期も終わりだ～

でもこの４～５週間の間にマジ忙しくなる。プレゼンやレポート、テストや卒論プロポーザル。。色々あるな～

っままた後で

来週か再来週にでもまたエントリーを書きます

それでは

ciao

Hello [Spring], Goodbye [Winter]

Week 12 of Spring Semester,
finally spring decided to come join us...

Today, in like 5hrs 40 minutes, i have an exam...damn, i am scared, but i've been studying a lot. hopefully this time, it will reflect on my grades.

ive been wanting to post an entry here, but i havent had time and now thta im on the site, i cant remember what ive been wanting to write. so i'll revisit later on.

ciao

spring break came and went by like a 30 second silent film.

my solo trip to LA was fun, got to relax but not fully. too many new things. i spent my week with my best friend and his friends and of course, my teddybears. :)
lots of intense-ness that i had to go thru. i didnt find it intense until i came back. competition with his new friend - though like ive said, i didnt realize until the last day. jealousy was something i felt and fear of being faded in my best friend's circle of friendship. but oh well, like everyone says, i guess time goes on.

these days, ive been sleep deprieved and stress. the only person who makes me feel stress-free is my friend from Holy Cross. He takes me out to starbucks to listen to what i have to say (more like venting) and he also takes me racing with his volks sedan.

other than that, i was surprised my parents didnt scold me like i thought they would about my secret trip to LA. but my brother is very jealous about me tripping around. feel sad. but i needed it. im sure i wont be travelling as much though from now on, i have to get serious about my classes.

my class today got cancelled so im really happy. got time to have a nice long hot shower and make myself a bacon-egg brunch.

i went to have an interview with this new company called "goSwoop". to be honest, i want this internship. would be a great experience, really. being able to help others is always a good thing, makes me feel like ive accomplished something. also making someone else's day better. i was taught well by my family and i have enough time to do everything i want.
i have another interview with 2 other "goSwoopers" on sunday. Wow, sunday... -_- hopefully I can wake up on time

this weekend, im going to Waltham to sleep-over my friend's place and im so excited <3>

TA was fun, interesting i have to say. Ive been traumatized by them (just 2 of them) from 2 weeks ago, but then during the TA, they are under my control, theyre like dices rolling around my palm

today's been warm. im happy. weekend, here i come <3

"the matching tiffanys will keep the friendship living forever" and lets just hope that it wont be living on a thin thread.

sleep deprieved with sleeping pills.

6th week of school is about to end soon, tomorrow, after my discussion, i will be done with this week.
then midterms...ugh.


ive been popp'n sleeping pills these days and its helping me but i feel extra weak for some reason, maybe i shudnt even bother taking them.
i feel like im so sleep deprieved, really. i missed my class this week, yet again and im like fuck. but oh well. cant go back time.

i am currently hooked onto: Bomb Bee Men! (binbo danshi) its so funny i think but annoying at the same time, Shun Oguri is cute but can get so ... ugh-fying.
tomorrow is friday, lets hope my friday goes well. i have japanese and japanese TA, then i have research methods then i have ws discussion. i usually dont have anything after research methods but bleh.

the eclipse last night wasnt as great of a thing...i was expecting something more grand and memorable. maybe the weather was too cold huh? bleh. i hate this cold weather. my sheeps hasnt seen sunlight (fake one too) in so long. i shud wear them starting tonite.

sometimes i find myself staring blankly at space and my vision blackens. i hate it. been going on for ages now, i thought it was my sleep-deprived-ness but then i dont know. maybe im really tired? :s
i want sleep. i need sleep.

spring break here i come, i cant wait i cant wait. =) but when im over there for spring break, i will be working my ass off ... i have to work on my literature paper, my research proposal, readings for my ws..... ugh

bleh. i shud take a nap before going out later.
i am done with all my hwk thats due tomorrow. so yeaaa~~ bleh. shrugs. i shalst sleep soon. a nap that is. lol. tv can get so fun but annoying. i find everything so annoying.... everything...everyone.

not much not much

the fifth week of school just ended and i am burnt out like a dying cig cherry.

i just came back from the hill and it was fun. my friend dropped me off <3
at hill, my friends and i watched two movies - "I am Legend" and my favorite american animation, "Madagascar". (Madagascar 2 is coming out soon toooooo!! cant wait cant wait.)

other than that, not much is going on, just more chilling and chilling. ive been too tired lately. had two all nighters this week - monday and friday. kinda sucks but yea tell me about it -_-

so valentines day is over and im really glad. why? because many ppl asked me how my valentines day was. kinda sucks for a single but then theres lotsa advantages of being single i guess - not in a slut way.

ugh, my weekends these days are just so intense - i spend about 20 bucks per weekend on cabs. ugh. and i just got scolded for using so much.... if only i had a car but then a car would cost me more anyways. so i guess i'll stick on cabs lol. having fun is priceless and memorable. unless i have awkward situations with ppl i had things with.
well this weekend was good. lotsa socializing.

tomorrow is sunday (or technically speaking today) and i am planning to do some readings done for monday and tuesday and wednesday. i need grades better grades. argh
midterms are coming up already and i hate it.

but on the brighter side, i get to see my bestfriend very soon <3>

argh. i hate this weather i get sick so easily. bleh.

exile love

my latest addiction: exile.
theyre just hot, simply hot and fun. i love their songs and their PVs. ~~
my fav song right now is "kanata kara koko e" and "michi", "lovers again" is still the best thou.

ive been sick since last saturday and not feeling 100%well. kinda sucks.
today is chinese new year. my roomie and i heard fireworks last night as the clocks ticked 12mn. but it was raining so hard so i dont think the fireworks came out nicely.

in the morning, i woke up when my roomie woke me up. she went for work while im just chilling, wasting time listening to exile and replying to facebooks. im so tired, really.

my best friend called and he was kinda cold so i feel down. :(
sigh. we all have ups and downs i guess.

speaking of ups..--> USP lol i duno where that came from but yea, my noise cancelling headphones are coming. im so happy and excited!!!
its snowing outside and today, i only have one class but i have so many errands to run. how great. thank god tomorrow is friday, really. im in desperate need of a break already. im already breaking apart.

bleh. so yea thats that and thats it for now i guess. my brother scolded me and nothing new.
i feel sad.

"a whole lot of nothing" - taken from my brother.

quoting my brother, "a whole lot of nothing".

nothing much is going on here and there. was supposed to go see cloverfield two weeks ago but then i guess time doesnt allow.
i havent done much, really. just been caught up with work like crazy. work meaning school work that is.
i need to get a job too, but i dont know where to find and how to find jobs on campus.

been telling all my lalaki-kwento to my good friend and noticed that he's really looking out for me like a lil sister. so that was really nice of him. :)

omg, i have so many things to do. i hate it. i need to start doing homework. argh. bleh. sigh

i watched exte (extentions), this japanese horror movie 2007. was okay, kinda not scary but more like...disturbing.

thats about it, watched my friend do his dance performance with his friends. that was neat, really. i dont want to talk ahead of myself but im really looking forward to monday. been putting it off for a loooooong time. so yea. bleh

spring break, i want it so much. gotta see my best friend!!!

im just so tired.
first week of school came and went with lots of drama caused by me, affecting no more than 5 people lol.

so first week of school, i had 3 papers due already with tearful of readings.
i still have 15 more weeks of school left.... i kno, it just began and i am already doing the countdown.

i feel like this semester will be long. and by long, i mean LONG.

clark, 4th semester.

"kimi dake wo aishiteiruno~" -unmei no hito.


school began. havent had time to actually have fun in Manila.
i came back to the states 3 nights ago. things are just so weird. unexpected things happening and im in both physical and emotional pain.
physical pain - i fell in the snow and now, i have one huge ugly bruise and cant move my wrist.... then jetlag....
emotional pain - well duh, im homesick. im never strong and its something i really want to change this year.

my packages came (from japan and elsewhere) and i made 3 trips back and forth to the mail room. my arms are just so nerve-less lol.

"little do she know, she's just a rebound" - let it go.

my roomie is coming back tmw night and im really excited.

other than that, nothing much is going on here. just snow snow and more snow. i am now in love with Okada Masaki and Oguri Shun all over again and also the two Exile Vocals. theyre so hot. omg. hahahaha demo, theyre ojisan-tachi (the exile vocals at least) lol. Masaki and Shun are still in their early 20s so its good. hahahahaha

my love for cars are ever growing. at least cars don't cheat or run away on their own (except for crown majesta) lol.

tmw, i have 2 classes back to back from 10:25 till 1:15. argh. gona be hard. so many things to do really. i hate it. but im somewhat looking forward to my Research Methods class. ><
all my classes this sem are hard, HARD AND HARD. i hate literature.

song for the week: "Returner - yami no shuuen -" by Gackt (damn, he looks hot with kara-kon). lol

le premiere

First of all, Happy 2008 to all yous out there.

My winter vacation is about to end so soon and I noticed that I haven't posted anything. So here I am, spending some time thinking of what to type - my first entry of this year.

Ive been coping with not seeing my good friends and not being able to chat with them. . . When I got to the Philippines, I've been chatting and texting and calling them every now and then (like every 2hrs) and I was pushed away from missing them mentally. Now that I think about it, I feel like I miss them physically. Kinda sad, but its part of life.

I'll be seeing them soon enough - one of them being my room mate, i'll get to see her when she's back. The other friend living an hour away (by car), sadly, i still dont own a licence or a car so I need to save money for it. Then my bestest friend recently moved away to the other side of the country so I wont be seeing him until spring break. which is a long way to go since I'm so used to seeing him around 24/7.

I am a simple person - I act like a little baby where the baby misses its parent or toy. kinda sad, but this is me.

Ive grown to be like this. Ive grown in a family where parents give 120% attention to my brother and whats around and 8% attention to me and it changed when my brother graduated from college. I started recieving more attention but nothing beats the attention they give to my brother. I've always tried hard to get attention from them any kind of attention- whether that was a scolding attention or a praising one.

My life was breaking apart and now, my new found friends glued the broken pieces back together. I felt like I belonged here. Felt like I was alive.

Lets see how things result this semester.

btw, grades came out. Very dissappointed with my expository writing. But Im proud of my music.

ttyl.

love - whats love?


eternal sad clown