shout out.

i woke up this morning with no improvement of emotional stress. infact, felt worse.
yesterday, i tried to make an appointment with the counselling services of my school, however, i was led to the voice mail straight away. so i left a voice msg, but they havent gotten back to me yet.
i called them today after having lunch but they were in lunch break so i was just like fuck it.

im not running away from society, i am about to be torn apart from it. all i can do is just stay sane and keep my thoughts together. but of course, i lack everything that needs to be there.
im not good enough to do anything, im just a weakling struggling to survive in this world just another hour longer.

i honestly dont know what to do. i sleep, and wake up crying. i eat, and feel like throwing up. im not pms-ing or anything but why? i experienced this last semester as well. i didnt know what to do. my friends told me to go see a shrink etc. but i didnt. i insisted that i would be fine - which was a true lie.

some people think that i want all the attention but im not. by typing here, people may think that im being some fucking retard drama queen, but to be honest, no. my intentions are clear, i need somewhere to write, some place to let go of all my feelings and thoughts and simply feel better. however, my so called blog therapy isnt working. so fuck it.

i let go of all the bad blood and feel better
i sense no pain no regret
i cant stay sane, ive lost myself already.
i sunk deep down in my own ocean of thoughts
no one to rescue me. what have i done to myself?
for years ive been wanting to get love, some level of attention and respect.
im not a puppet. i am a human with feelings just like you.
why do i need to go thru all this?
someone just give me an answer.

sometimes i feel like i need a tight slap but i dont think that would make things better, it'll make things worse.

even if i scream, no one will hear me
even if i flood the bedsheets with tears, no one will realize
even if i cut myself loose, no one will care

what if i just dissapear? no one will notice. no one will miss me.


why did i come to college? to feel this pain? i cant stand it anymore.
but if i back out now, what will happen? i wont be able to grow up. i need to be independent.
but is this what everyone goes thru? i dont think so.

i may be a spoiled little bitch sometimes but i know what i am saying and what i am thinking.

if only i can control myself. that would be nice.

no matter how hard i try, i would never grow stronger - simply because i dont have the guts to
im running low on batteries.

just a simple show of love and care i would be fine and strong, i will be able to stand back up.
but society is harsh on me. no matter how far i reach, i wont be able to grab it.

i wanna end my tears and pain.