public humiliation...
ive had enough from insensitivity.

ive noticed, how blind ive made myself to what i really am, to what i really was feeling inside.

ive never wanted change. but now i do. i need to change now, now is my time to shine for myself.

30%, like always

i feel like ive been treated like shit lately by my best friend.
treated bad to a point that i end up crying behind his back, on the bed about to sleep, under the shower, or just in my room.

i hate how im so weak now. people think that im strong, but really, im not.
im already splintered and bleeding nonstop that i think i can die from the lack of blood.

i wont be surprised.

people ive talked to might have gotten the impression of a "drama queen" from my ventings. but what i talked to them about is the pure reflection of what's been going on my life.

so today was friday, my lab got cancelled because we get a whole amount of hwk. so anyways, we were planning to go to Natick Mall (29ish miles away from worcester). i was so excited, like always. but the second fone call turned me down. of course this was coming, i saw it coming, but why didnt i notice it before?
see, im just so stupid.

whatever. i dont want to make judgements for my own emotions. its true ive been caught up with work but that doesnt interfer with outside-school stuff.
watever.

you'll see, how destructive i can be. just wait and see.

i already packed my shit from his place. i can be like blair wardolf from gossip girl. i can be a bitch. i can make people humiliate in public. i can burn their prides down within seconds.
life should revolve around myself (and a little of school).


just wait and see bitches out there.





then i ask myself, why am i wasting time burning their prides down etc. then i answer, thats because its fun to watch them go down to where they really belong.

i am officially broke.
yes, you heard that. ive never been this broke before and my parents wont give me money since they said its not right to keep giving money.
so i "forgot" to save.
thats not true, throughout october, my intentions were on saving and nothing but saving.

i only have so little that makes me scared - will i have enough money to make it thru the rest of the semester?
i mean technically speaking, semester's ending soon but knowing me, i'd go nuts.

so i asked my department when im getting paid - they said soon enough. but their soon enough takes forever.

even if i do a foreign currency exchange, still wont have enough to last me long.
grr.

if only people actually pay me back on time. but still, the money i will get from the paybacks wont be enough.
shit.

realy, im broke, im broke and im broke.

good ways to earn money for an international student? like i wanna earn money like a finger snap!

><

win-win?

hello, so like always, I write at odd hours of the day and of the semester, but its okay.

its so weird how i had adapted to the messed up sleeping schedule. it's so messed up that on Tuesday night, I slept from 10:30pm till 9:30am and that was like, really, WOW for me. really - i've been so sleep deprieved lately and because of this 11hr sleep, I couldnt sleep on Wednesday night. well despite the fact that i had homework and i procrastinated, i still didnt feeldrowsy or sleepy at all.
funny

well anyways its 8am in New England and wat am i doing? I'm waiting for my 9am class. today, I have 6hours of classes in one shot, wow. greatness.
it's so sad too, since i have so many things to do.

oh, last week, i was very sick to point where i lost my voice for 5 days. I'm sure some people were very happy about that - since they didnt have to hear me talk my way through or scream at them. but that was fun. my best friend took really good care of me and i'm really grateful. although im feeling really guilty that i might have made him sick :( this is what i hate about living together in a house, a dorm, or an apartment unit. roommates always get sick before or after you.
sucks huh?

oh, good news. well for me at least. well its actually both good and bad.
so let me start with the bad news- the two summer courses i took during the summer (08; the two sociology courses) couldn't be counted towards my minor which, [shift gears to the good news] i declared just yesterday. my faculty who signed my release paper was an old man, Dr. Ross. he's kinda sketchy looking but i'm sure he's nice. he's on sabbatical leave right now but good thing I found him in his office.

so yea that's that. next semester's going to be INTENSE like a bi-ch. 1 geo course with my currently favorite geo professor, and 3 sociology courses. hopefully i can find another course to take. but im sure time doesnt allow so im guessing not.
but at some point soon, i wanna take a 5th course which i wasnt able to take this semester because of stupid landscape ecology.

next semester, my mondays and wednesdays will be off, which is SO nice :D thursdays, i only have one 3hr long class and tuesdays and fridays, i have class from 12noon till about 7pm. how wondeorful. blah!

oh well. i should go get coffee before i pass out during class!
<3>

i hate it , really do.
as if you have full control of me all the time, demanding things. ive had enough.

enough of all this bullshit and i, honestly speaking, is sad from all this treatments.
you never listen, you never care.

dakara sayounara.

midterm break?

so we undergrads dont get fall break this semester. why ? ask the clark undergrad faculty committee....! but the grad students get lotsa break - since they deserve it? shrugs.

so my best friend just left for LA almost 20 hrs ago, and well, I'm happy for him and always wishing him a safe trip/flight and everything.
i had a rough day, did some readings, had some errands to run, etc. then i havent heard from my best friend since like...i duno, 1pm ish then i was getting worried but i thought he's doing okay and waited for him to call since i didnt want to disturb him and his "2nd home".

around 2am he called and i was happy. then my words didnt come out right - i think i said "im mad and everything because you're having fun and im not".
then he said, in a cold tone, "youre not happy coz im having fun?"
thats not what i meant. of course im happy for him but part of me is jealous because he gets a 10 day break ><>


本当にツライよ
泣いてばかりでもう疲れた
自分を傷つけてまで我慢する必要なんてないよね？
人のために自分の体を傷つけるなんてありえないし
コイシイ気持ちで溢れるばかりで自分が嫌いになって行く

一緒にいてほしいのに　いつも言えずにいるばかり

お互い会わないほうがいいのかな？
我慢し泣きくずれ傷つけ自分が何でコンナニ弱いのか疑問に思う
at the end of the day　大切な人は他にいるのかも知れない。でも私の大切な人は彼・・・やっと信じられるようになったのに・・・このような態度は冷たすぎる・・・冬風で十分な冷たさ。 thats the last thing i would want this season.

its become a habit that i cant feel the pain anymore.